It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
