I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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