We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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