im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's always time for handjobs
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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