I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
ttyl tear gas
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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