Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
