When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
