I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
