Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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