$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You can't just leave with hair like that
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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