i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i think i have two assholes
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
