he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
