Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
