My cat gives me a boner
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
