Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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