She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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