Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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