At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
