I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
