My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
