I will die if light touches me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
