Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Pants are for mortals
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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