Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize