...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
