My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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