My girlfriend figured out who you are.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
