im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize