just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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