Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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