I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
