I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
