The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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