I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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