Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
