just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
