Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
