I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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