My balls are so social today.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
