I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize