Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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