i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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