someone owes me an orgasm
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
