Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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