in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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