i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
