at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
