dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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