Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
