i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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