I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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