May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Randomize
