The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
