Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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