she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
