Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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