I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
