:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
